MOM's HISTORY/CONFESSION

I have spent most of my life cooperating with religion. I gave it my best effort, many, many hours of hard labor sweat and tears… and this was all because I believed I was serving God. Much of my life, I pursued purpose, appreciation, respect, and personal identity within the rules and roles of a religion, rather than from my Father who loves me. I thought this was how life was supposed to be.
The Lord has shown me some essential elements for Kingdom people, many of which I have been happy to live without.  Here are some:

Heart-to-Heart Sharing

Honesty and Integrity

Respect/Honor

Privacy

Individual (Spirit)-Determinism

Freedom

Provision

Power and Authority

Confidentiality

Time/Space/Honor for Gifts to be shared

Iron Sharpening Iron

Opportunities

The church I grew up in had a doctrine that taught the New Testament power of the Holy Spirit was not for today.  Their essential approach to God was impersonal and proud, all about gaining Bible knowledge and doing “right.” The more you knew of the Bible and the more “right” you were in contrast to others, the more spiritual you were.

At one time, every one of my relatives attended this church, from grandma and grandpa, to every aunt, uncle and cousin on that side. Further, I later learned first-hand there was all kind of pure evil going on under the façade of Bible knowledge and right living, including lust, stealing, pride, child molesting and abuse, and homosexuality (and this was during years when it was not culturally widespread as it is now). While my own parents were people who honestly wanted to follow God, we all believed the party line of the church, partly because of our misplaced loyalty to our relatives. People who seemed godly really were godly, even though they seemed most that way because they were pretending to hide their junk. One of the problems with this (besides the obvious wrong ideal I grew up espousing) was that my spirit knew better. 

When I was twelve, there were a lot of changes in my life. I moved to a new area of town away from the friends and school I had always enjoyed. I was beginning to have the needs and desires and uncertainties that come with puberty. But my mom, with whom I had always had a tumultuous relationship, didn’t seem to notice. We lived with a poverty spirit, so there was no provision for the clothing, friendships, or most other things I needed. I was very lonely and insecure. 

I made a conscious choice at this point to throw all effort into the church’s view of religion. Though I was truly a believer, I had a pretty shallow relationship with God, so I decided to deepen it by learning all I could about the Bible and trying my best to be “good.” I became the best “goody two shoes” you could have ever met. I invested heavily in the CHURCH’s view of spirituality, hoping it would meet my inner needs as I was promised.

Unfortunately, this was false advertising to get people to look good while pledging allegiance to a man, a plan, and a power structure. It took a lot of years of walking with Jesus closer and closer to finally eradicate this lie altogether. CHURCH did not ever meet my needs. It hurt me. But God really did care and was waiting for me to renounce the CHURCH as my provider.

I began working in church as a teen. By the time I was 16, the youth pastor had left and every one of the teens he was catering to left as well. There were only three people my age left in the very large church, and we were only there because our parents refused to let us leave.

At this time, since I could not leave the church and go to another “fun” youth group, I started to lead the youth group with my friend Kevin. I’m sure, looking back, that the church leadership thought it was cute and they didn’t know what else to do with three kids, from the 35 who had left all at once. They probably thought we couldn’t hurt anything. And they had appointed a young married man who, as I look back, did not know Jesus at all (but he was very religious) to lead our Sunday School class, because he talked well and was young like a youth leader should be.

We were successful in that youth group. We grew the numbers from 3 to about forty in two years, by praying and doing what God showed us to do. We started a 6AM prayer group and prayed specifically for the kids at school by name until they would get saved. We asked a retired missionary to come to teach us on Wednesday evening, but we did the planning ourselves. Many people’s lives were changed irrevocably.

And then the church needed someone to teach Children’s Church, so we volunteered, built a puppet stage, and those of us with CEF training (Kevin, me, my sister Sarah by then) taught the others how to teach, wrote our own curriculum.

 We were successful at this, but it was never the value of the church to do any of what we did. In fact, most of it they didn’t know, and they would have made us stop if they had. Some of it they ignored because they had no value for it, but the rest of it (the number of people coming, the obvious passion and willingness to serve of the teens) pastors and deacons and our youth guy, who fought what we wanted at every turn, took credit for as if they had planned it. 

I was okay with this commercial lie. Scratch that. I was great with this! I felt that the pastor and deacons were the spiritual fathers, after all, and were responsible for making things look good to those who might want to come to church. In short, I willingly sacrificed my independence, freedom, honor, authority, provision and confidentiality to these people I admired and more, to THE CHURCH, the machine! I gave all for the cause, and I thought I was giving all for GOD.

Recently it hit me. I have been re-living this particular situation all my life! I have sacrificed and worked more and more into the plan of simple Spirit-led ministry for thirty years, always under the guise and for the credit of a CHURCH that was really more of a restrictive social club than anything else. And I taught you kids to do the same. 

I have been happy if they will give me just enough freedom and money to (sort-of) make it work, and I haven’t cared that I have no authority to go along with the massive responsibility. Worse, what I am accomplishing has never been part of the leader’s heart. It is seldom noticed or appreciated for the power it represents. I’ve even been happy when, during these years, the leader has taken credit for the work for which I’ve envisioned, prayed and labored. I have felt it was their due, like a tithe of honor, and a prime chance to advertise. In short, I have allowed my passion to be false advertisement for a system I no longer support and a leader who does not acknowledge or respect my gifts, who is leading people where I will never go.

We have spent a lot of years as a family tolerating the “party line” of a church machine, and working to make it successful, and hoping to someday see the change we want to see. I’ve come to the conclusion that most of this was mere folly. I’m not saying the things we did in the Spirit were worthless, but the Lord has made it clear to me recently that what we assumed to be right was where and how we decided to work and grow. He has shown me that trying to make the CHURCH successful as it is was never HIS plan, though I assumed it was because I wanted my group to have adequate support.

In this way, I have not been honest. I have sold out for money and a little bit of space, kind of like a Levite sold out to a man named Micah in Judges. Basically he lived for the happiness of man rather than the glory of God. I sold out a lot of integrity for a place to belong, some money to accomplish what God showed me, and a bit of recognition. All the hardship and pain and rejection was what I believed being a Christian must be about, and not just the natural by-product of an uneven business contract. This is one of the sins I am now repenting from. I am especially sorry that I taught you that this was a legitimate way to live. I want you to know that God has made it clear that this behavior of mine has robbed us financially and probably many other ways.

I am mourning the losses and the frustration I put all of us through by these choices, the matter-of-fact service to CHURCH that has been your expectation in life. I am hopeful, though, that you will stand on your parents’ shoulders and see a better way to let God’s love flow through you. And may HE be the BEGINNING and END of our journey!